A Broken System

The events in this post took place between December 2007 & January 2008.  I’ve written a little update at the end.

December 26th I went to the local clinic complaining of extreme abdominal pain. I was ushered into a doctor’s office where the nurse checked my vitals & I waited for the doctor. The doctor came in & talked to me before doing an exam. He determined that I did not have appendicitis but more probably a problematic gallbladder. I was given an injection for pain & another for nausea. Then the doctor scheduled me for a limited abdominal ultrasound for the 27th.

On the 27th I had my ultrasound & was sent home. The doctor called later that day to say no gallstones had shown up on the ultrasound. I was prescribed hydrocodone for the pain (Vicodone @ 500mg/pill up to 6000mg/day). I was also prescribed hydroxyzine for nausea. The hydroxyzine also has the nifty little side effect of amplifying the effects of the hydrocodone.

The next step was to schedule a nuclear imaging test for Jan 4th. I had to lie on a table for an hour without moving anything so that the tech could photograph my abdoman several hundred times. I also got a fun injection that made my gallbladder contract. This causes intense pain. Think snake bite like when you were in grade school…only to your insides and you have to lie still and not curl into a ball.

On the 9th the doctor called to say that the nuclear imaging test was fine. Still no evidence of anything amiss with my gallbladder. However, I insisted on seeing the doctor on the 10th since the pain hadn’t decreased & I’m really starting to enjoy the pain medication. After talking with the doctor he determined that a CT scan on the 16th was in order. I got 2 big bottles of barium sulfate suspension to drink the morning of the test (think orange juice poured into a glass of milk…now drink & enjoy!).

The 16th I had the CT scan. Pretty painless although the IV wasn’t fun. The tech there told me to expect to wait a week before getting the results. Imagine my surprise & even distress when the doctor called promptly the morning of the 17th. The news….still nothing apparently wrong with me. Still experiencing the same severe abdominal pain so now I get a reference to a surgeon.

January 23rd I make the trip to the hospital to speak with the surgeon. His recommendation….endoscopy followed by a colonoscopy depending on what the endoscopy shows.

Well the story ends there. I was denied the chance at an endoscopy ‘cuz I don’t have health insurance. This whole time every test, every drop of blood, every pee cup has had to be approved by the business office. Now they tell me that unless I can come up with $650 plus by the 30th (the best date for the endoscopy) I’m out of luck. I’m not sick enough for them to make an exception.

I’m too poor to afford health insurance. Even the insurance provided by my job requires so much contribution on my part I wouldn’t have any take home pay. However, I’m too “rich” to qualify for medical assistance. Of course should the worst happen & I die before my current bills are paid the hospital will be glad to harrass my husband with collections attempts while he’s busy mourning the death of his wife.

So here I sit on a Thursday night unsure of what I should do next. The most likely course of action is to continue on the medication until I’m sick enough to get treatment in an ER. Of course that’s what happened to my maternal grandfather when I was in Jr. High. He nearly died until the doctors finally removed his gallbaldder.

Healthcare….neither providing health nor care to millions in the US.

I wrote this note on my Facebook account over a year ago.  Since I wrote this I’ve learned to live with more pain than I thought possible.  I stopped taking the pain meds & anti-anxiety drugs so that I could lead a clear-headed life.  I was missing out on too much to keep taking enough medication to keep the pain at bay & would at this point be very addicted to them.  None of this post is intended to support the idea of socialized healthcare.  Rather it’s a look at the utter dispair I was feeling (and still do) when thinking about how sick I must become before a doctor will treat me.  What I’d really like to see happen is that healthcare professional would take charge of the “care” and provide for people based on need not wealth.  There was a time in this country when the ability to pay wasn’t what determined your treatment but rather the need.  Doctors cared for patients in their homes & took chickens, cows or what the patient could afford in lieu of payment.  Why is it that a trip to see a doctor for less than 15 minutes with no vitals taken, no blood tests etc costs at least $90?  A simple office visit to find out you have eczema & not necrotizing faciitis is ridiculously high.  I want someone to fix what we have not get rid this system for a worse one.

My Day Off

Thursday has been my day off for just over 2 years now.  When I went from 2 1/2 days a week to 4 days a week I had to pick a day off.  Since I wasn’t allowed Monday or Friday I decided that Thursday was the perfect break for me.  I’ve used this day to shop, visit family, sleep in, read, play video games & talk on the phone.  In fact Mom is probably worried about me because I haven’t called her in two days.

Sometimes I’ve used the day to mope, be depressed or just stay in bed all day.  Today however was  a good day off.  I woke up early but decided to doze for a while.  Abe read & surfed the internet for a while then I finally woke up fully to the sound of my TweetDeck going off.  Unable to resist that siren song any longer I wiped the sleep from my eyes, fumbled for my glasses & proceeded to catch up on what I’d missed.  Of course like any other time I got involved in a discussion or two.  Always a good time to be had on Twitter.

Finally got fully up and ready for my day.  As I’m getting ready I got a phone call from the office…they had a computer question for me.  Since it wasn’t anything I could explain over the phone I headed in to see if I could provide the solution (I couldn’t because our office has software from the dinosaur age & it’s missing components…).

Since it was a nice day we headed over to the winery to see what was happening.  We visited for a bit & then grabbed lunch to bring back home.  We love the local bakery!  They always have the best & freshest stuff for soup & sandwiches. As per our usual routine we popped in the newest Netflix (another MacGyver disk) and chowed down.

I did a little more looking at the possibility of moving the blog to my own site.  I’ve got some logistics to figure out but I’m hoping to have everything figured out & start the process this weekend.

After all that interweb stuff I decided I should start working to get back on track with the fitness plan.  (I’ve been horribly lax in working out at all.  Sometimes I think what I really need is someone to really whip me into working out.  I have goals but lack the motivation.) I’m hoping to do a little more sweating tonight & then will work on being consistent again.

All in all it’s been a satisfying day & it’s a blessing to know that I have this day off to recharge before heading back to my soul-sucking job.

Nothing Challenging, Nothing Creative

I don’t like my job.  Wait I think that’s an understatement…right now I hate my job.  It’s sucking my will to live.  Getting up on days where I know I need to go to the office is depressing.  One reason is that it’s not even close to a challenge for me.  Sometimes I honestly think that my dog could be trained to do the job if only it didn’t have to answer the phone.  There is nothing but tedium waiting for me when I walk through the doors at 8 am.  My brain is mostly going to waste…all I do is answer the phone, take payments & type form letters.  Nothing challenging, nothing creative.

Every second I sit in that chair in front I feel suffocated.  Every move I make, every task is exactly the same as the day before.  I feel like an automaton…everything by rote, staring at my screen but seeing only the abyss.  I wonder where life went all screwy that I ended up here.  My job wasn’t supposed to be the administrative assistant to some small insurance agency.  I wanted to be a writer, adventurer, and historian.  Sort of Indiana Jones meets Jane Austen with better clothes.  My job was supposed to take me across the country & around the world….

I need a change….a new direction, a new lease on my work life.  Now if only I didn’t need my job so we could survive…

Discouraged…

Well it’s been a year since Hubby got laid off.  We made it fine the first few months.  I had my job, we got some unemployment.  Then we started raiding the IRA when we needed emergency money.  We managed fine most of the summer between my paycheck, the unemployment & the IRA money.

Of course we live in one of the poorest counties in Minnesota so jobs are scare.  Moving isn’t really an option since the cost to find a new house would be so high & we don’t have the cash.  Fuel costs were so high all summer that driving to the nearest Wal–Mart for a minimum wage job wasn’t feasible.  Now of course fuel is cheaper but nobody’s really hiring.

It’s a sick twisted mess right now.  Huge companies who are paying executives millions & millions of dollars are getting help from the government.  Meanwhile I have to worry about whether I’ll make my next rent check.

Of course Hubby hasn’t just sat in the house doing nothing.  He worked for his dad & then ended up taking over the business of Black Ash & More.  We’ve tried to make a go of it at the worst possible time.  The sad thing is Hubby is excellent at what he does.  He has a talent for working with wood.  Now we just need people to purchase it.  We have a website (although I know that could be better), we have a little showroom area at a local business.

I’m really discouraged by the start of 2009….I’m looking for hope but right now I feel very lost & in the dark.

This & That

Per usual it’s been way too long since I’ve updated this.  Life has been both busy & mundane.  I’ve been doing the daily job thing and Hubby has been continuing to work on Black Ash & being an excellent house-husband.  We were lucky enough for him to qualify for more unemployment benefits so we have that through the end of the year.  After that we will see what happens with the nickel mine exploration in Tamarack.  It sounds like they will be hiring after January 1st.

We have been spending as much time as possible with Hubby’s brother, sister-in-law & their boys.  It’s always fun to see them & even if we are just sharing a meal it is time well spent.  Of course we wish that we could spend time with all our nieces & nephews.  The times we get to spend with my family are fewer but we enjoy every minute of it and take many pictures.

Thanksgiving was a quiet day for us.  We spent the day at home w/the dogs which is a rarity for us.  It was nice to just relax, play some video games & be thankful for the companionship that we share so easily.  I am thankful every day for being married to such a great man.

We did our share of running for the rest of that weekend.  We spent Hubby’s birthday in Duluth with his sister.  It was good to see her (we don’t visit with her nearly as much as we used to or would like to….new goal for the new year?) We also took a quick trip to Minneapolis on Sunday for the family dinner.  Lots of good food & conversation.

This is a quiet week leading into a busy weekend.  Friday night is the Christmas party for my work {oh boy I can hardly wait…. 😦 It’s the most boring party on the planet.  I’ve been to more fun funerals!}  Then Saturday we head to Cloquet for a day of family, fun, Christmas festivites & hopefully no injures.  I’ll fill in all the details next week.

Tattoo You, Tattoo Me

Hubby & I went to a tattoo conference on Friday night with his brother, wife & kid.  We walked around looking at the different booths & what the artists were doing. They were just browsing but I was on a mission to actually leave with a new tattoo.

I have a tattoo that I got several (okay close to 12) years ago.  It’s a small profile of Betty Boop on my left shoulder.  I’m a collector of Betty Boop stuff.  A tattoo seemed appropriate at the time…and I’m still okay with it.

Lately I’ve been wanting another tattoo though.  Something more personal & meaningful to me.  When we were told of the death of Hubby’s step-grandmother* I suddenly was presented with an idea for a tattoo.

I was very close to my grandparents that are deceased & Hubby was close to his paternal grandparents.  “Why not get something that would symbolize the loved ones who are no longer with us”? I mused as I sat at my desk on a Friday afternoon.  Soon I was wrapped up in the idea of getting a tattoo that would be both beautiful & a reminder of these people who touched our lives so deeply.

I hit upon the idea of flowers.  Funerals are full of flowers.  Plus flowers are used to symbolize many different emotions & events in our lives.  The task of picking 4 flowers (One for my Grandpas J, one for my Grandma & Grandpa B, one for Hubby’s Erickson grandparents & one for Hubby’s step-grandmother.)seemed daunting at first.  Then I remembered that Grandma Erickson had showy lady slippers near her house.  Of course the flower for Grandpa J was easy.  A traditional pansy was the only possible choice since I’d gotten many a bouquet wrapped up in a damp paper towel so that the flowers wouldn’t wilt on the drive home when I was a child.  For Grandma B (and Grandpa B who died when I was 3) there were two options.  One was a peony & the other was a blue delphinium.  I decided on the blue delphinium since Mom has one in her yard & I love the delicate blue flowers.  The last flower was the most difficult.  I wanted something that would represent step/grandparents on Hubby’s side of the family that I never got a chance to know.  I decided on a pink rose because it’s a symbol of love, gratitude & grace. And that certainly applies to grandparents. Now I had the concept for the tattoo.  A line of 4 flowers on my right shoulder blade.

Cut to this past weekend.  As we were walking around the various  booths I was keeping an eye out for someone who might want to do flowers.  I finally hit upon Happily Ever After Tattoos.  I asked if anybody did flowers & was pointed in Jon’s direction.  He showed me some of his other work with flowers & also drew up a sketch of what he thought we could do with my idea. I explained why it had to be these specific flowers.  Jon spent a good deal of time looking at pictures to get the details just right.  The result is the tattoo that I now wear proudly on my right shoulder.

I know that someday Hubby & I will be without my Grandma J & his Grandma K and also our parents.  When that sad time comes I’m sure I’ll be adding to this piece of art.  All of them have touched my life in some way & this allows me a way of visibly carrying that influence with me.

Now Hubby is making plans to add to his Navy tattoo.  He’s been wanting to make  some changes/additions to his tattoo.  He’s also working on a way to incorporate both of his grandfathers who were also in the Navy.

(*She was 99 years old & ready to go.  We were saddened by her loss but mostly for Hubby’s step-father.) {In answer to any obvious questions about the process….yes it did hurt.  Was it horrible? Not really.  In fact it was a lot less painful than I remembered.  And yes it was absolutely worth it.}

Check out more pictures of my new ink here

Suicide

The following is from a note I posted on my facebook page. It sums up why I’ve been absent from the blog for a while. It’s also what’s consuming my thoughts lately so I’m bringing it over here. I promise to find something else to talk about soon.

I don’t even know how to describe this past week. On Monday (June 9th) we received the news that a friend (more like extended family member) of ours had shot himself. As we tried to come to grips with the this tragic loss another phone call arrived today (June 13th). Another friend (extended family member) has also committed suicide.
The double shock of these tragedies is unspeakable. One friend (Chris) was a veteran of 2 tours in the Iraqi war. He was only 24. A great guy who didn’t think he had any reason to stay around. The voices & struggles became too much to bear. He left behind family & friends who will never forget him.

Chris playing pool at an Erickson family Christmas.

The other friend (Justin) left behind a wife & 3 young children not to mention other family & friends. A husband, father, brother & friend who couldn’t deal with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. He was only 30. Someone who had so much to stay around for & yet he couldn’t bring himself to stay. He will never be forgotten either.
All of this makes me heartsick. How utterly senseless that this happened. Two young men who were without hope. If only they had felt that someone, anyone was there to listen.

Justin toasting my brother Robert & his wife Jillian.

God is there….but we need to be his voice sometimes. We need to show those around us (friends, family, acquaintances & perfect strangers) who may be feeling desperate & without hope. Our words & deeds may be what stands between someone’s attempt to end their life & a decision to reach out for help.
Please pray for the families of these two men. The coming days, etc are going to be very difficult.